Wednesday, February 01, 2006


So on Monday I threw up like 5 times. Absolute stomach-emptying, body-contorting, cathartic experiences. I came home from work early, because I could not quite walk straight. I got home just in time to have a giant diarrhea (that's right! I said it!), and had throwup number one as the water in the flushing toilet swirled and swirled around the bowl. Yes! It's true, and yes I did appreciate the absurdity of it at the time, giggling to myself as I wondered at what I would do if my entire body became one giant muscle cramp, as it was threatening to do. I swear that at one point my knees left the ground and I floated above the bowl, emptying risotto and granola into the waiting depths. Afterwards, I hopped back on to repeat step one.

Later that night it happened again and again, although these times were slightly less eventful, being as they were mostly composed of water and saltine crumbs. The dry heaves were a new experience for me, though.

The great thing about throwing up is that afterwards you get to feel perfectly normal and healthy. If you are lucky, that is the end of it, the raw shellfish are gone, back to their home, perhaps, if you live near the ocean, and you can go on with your life. If you are like me, however, you get a 15 minute reprieve and then it's back to the fever and the hydrophobia - it's somehow more disturbing when your barf is perfectly clear, like Crystal Pepsi. Drinking more water will only dilute what little coloration you might have remaining. Conserve!

So I've now taken my first sick day from work, which is a pretty good record I think. Mother Nature taunted me for using a vacation day, offering a bright, crisp day with a fine breeze while sending her bacterial minions inside to poke and prod my guts. I almost got to go to the hospital and I had trouble regulating my body temperature due to dehydration, but hey - at least I got to stay at work late today!

I am feeling a bit better, but I continue to walk like an old man. Sometimes I like to stop and just stare into the distance, like a crazy person might. Hopefully this will pass upon consuming some non-liquid food.



At 2/06/2006 05:27:00 PM, Blogger Chris said...

oh dear god matt, feel better!


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